However, to show my sincerity, I've stepped back and taken a longer look and decided that for every bite man deserves, many deserve a kiss at the same time. So take a look at my Bites and Kisses list (tentative):
Eliot Spitzer gets a bite for refusing to walk with his Bichon right after he resigned. Just didn't look manly enough to tart about with a little white dog. Hey buddy, how about sucking the toes of a prostitute? How does that look? He gets a kiss, though, for taking it like a man, going right back on T. V. (after a decent interval of wailing, weeping, gnashing of teeth and expensive therapy) Anyone and everyone got to take a shot at him for his "proclivities." He behaved like a stand-up guy, answered any and all questions, didn't duck a thing. Smooooch!
Father of Balloon Boy - wow, one huge bite because I saw your video on YouTube in which you untethered your OWN BALLOON. And you cursed out your wife for not letting it go. But a nice wet kiss because that balloon kicked butt. It flew two hours all by its little old self.
Michelle Obama,. Unfortunately a big bite because of all those belts you're wearing. How do you spell "frumpy?" A huge smacker though for your lovely black dress and pearls. Now that's class. I'm gonna lick your nose!
For the press, who are shamefully neglecting the new "It" girl, Brooke Elliott, star of drop Dead Diva - they get a bite the size of Pittsburgh. She's beautiful, funny, voluptuous - I can't go on enough. She's a woman to love. Where's all the ink for this girl? Magazine covers, who's she dating, where's TMZ when we really need them. Get cracking paps, and you'll get the biggest old kiss ever.
So that's how the world rolls: good and bad, black and white, yin and yang, warp and woof. Quel headache. Pass me a kibble, Governor Paterson.
